there are only so many

[M]ankind has […] been suffering from a psychological and spiritual imbalance. Imbalance causes frustration, and frustration causes fear. And fear makes for a bad trip. Man has been on a bad trip for a long time now.
—Malaclypse the Younger, Principia Discordia, Page 00042


Maybe so.  Sounds true enough that I'll be going in that direction for at least a little bit.  In which ways could I be imbalanced?


Step one seems easy enough for me.  And considering my focus in this game will be healing, everything should be so much easier.  No overanalyzing decisions, no worries about how things will be taken, just do it (oh em gee, did I really just say that), roll with it, and adjust as needed.  


Hanging out in the cancer ward today, I found out my Dad had a heart attack back in February.  Heart troubles on Valentines day.  How about that?  Apparently, my sister convinced him to go to the hospital.  He drives across the county, walks in, and has a massive heart attack framed in the doorway.  What kind of awful picture that would make.  Doctor's told him if he weren't right there, he wouldn't have made it.  I find this out today, near five months later.


My sister asks, "Why didn't Mom tell you that?"
"Because she's forgetful?"
"Yeah, she is that. . . I think she may have the beginning of Alzheimer's."
"What?  No, she's always been forgetful.  Don't say that"
 "Paul, I'm serious.  She's come in asking how to make coffee.  She'll come in and say, "I'm so silly," you know, saying it jokingly but embarrassed, too, "but how do I make coffee?""
". . . . . "


Silence on my end.  Silent.  She's made coffee pretty much every single day since I was a kid.  How can she not know how to make coffee?  How can she forget that?


I want to cuss or something, but I'm trying to cut that out because it hurts some peoples feelings, which means it hurts mine.  No doctor's for now.  No words to hang on.  Just a quiet possibility.  That's okay.  

Things are okay.


I have to say, these things pull me out of that foolish state rather well.  Not really, or completely, at least, but some.  Some feels good.  It keeps me from fearing and worrying so much, and shoots me into the healthier direction.  Live.  Love.  Do what I must.  Refrain from worrying about what's going to happen.  I mean, plan and adjust and hope, but do what needs to be done.  Act.  Be that verb that you are.  Go be with someone that you know will make your heart feel a little more whole.


Love

And that brings me to sincerity.  I feel I may chase some off with sincerity.  Misunderstandings and all that.  Means I should seek better forms of communication.


Faces are so beautiful.  We're all so lucky to have such marvelously stunning faces.


Love.